ALAN CARLTON
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DEAR Alan 2

27/5/2016

0 Comments

 
​​Dear Alan,
 
When I greet my patients and ask them, ‘How are you?’ they reply with, “Alright until I saw you.”
Why do people say this? Do they think it is funny and that I am going to laugh?
 
Regards Unloved.
 
Answer: I have a few suggestions for you.
You could respond in kind with, “Funny you should say that but, I was feeling alright until I saw you.”
You could be self-righteous and say, “Well I’m really happy to see you.” 
You could act like a prima donna master chef and say, “That’s it I’m just not going to work unless I’m in the mood” and walk out leaving the aforementioned patient mute and begging for you to return.
My personal favourite is to ignore the comment, change the subject and add 10% to the bill.
 
 
 
Dear Alan,
 
Every time I go into reception I move an aspidistra to its correct position. When I return the plant has always gravitated back to where it was? Is this a case of walking plants?
 
Regards Baffled.
 
Answer: I suspect your receptionist is moving the plant. There isn’t much point owning a dental practice unless you can randomly and erratically exercise some authority. Wait until the waiting room is full of patients then while pacing up and down loudly rant and scream sarcastically. Finish by picking up the plant and throwing it at her. This will make you feel a whole lot better and hopefully the plant will break and you can get rid of it.
 
 
 
Dear Alan,
 
I have a young female patient who needs veneers. How do I convince her that this is what she needs?
 
Regards Cosmetic Dentist.
 
Answer: Tell her that after she has the veneers done she will land a job as a model; become a reality TV star; attract hoards of followers on twitter; secure the lead role in a Hollywood blockbuster and marry Geoffrey Edelston.
 
 
 
Dear Alan,
 
My practice is not busy. How should I go about marketing it?
 
Regards ‘Not Very Busy’.
 
Answer: What you need is a marketing strategy that can be incorporated into your business plan.  A plan applied to your practice so that feasible opportunities to produce positive outcomes can be realised and then levered. An integrated marketing plan that has an internal component for your existing patients and an external component to attract new patients. A plan that helps you differentiate your practice to create a sustainable competitive advantage.
 
Then again come to think of it all the good dentists I know don’t need a marketing plan. Their work markets their practice. You may be quiet because your work is rubbish. Any marketing based on poor quality goods will give your practice an artificial boost in the short term but ultimately do nothing.
 
You could be one of those dentists doing the general public a service by not being busy. You could be a physically dyslexic, immoral, lazy, slothful alcoholic who does more harm than good. If you are then accept your fate in life. You are a loser and will never be busy.  But you can still be a loser who has not wasted thousands of dollars on marketing. Save your money. There are some things you cannot polish.
 
 
 
Dear Alan,
 
Unfortunately a salesperson will sometimes arrive when I’m not busy. I then have to manipulate the truth by telling Beryl I am too busy to see them. This lying makes me feel guilty. How can I absolve my guilt?
 
Regards Guilty
 
Dear Guilty,
 
Answer: This salesperson has just driven for hours with a headache through horrendous traffic; lugged their samples up stairs while checking their voice mail messages and stuffed their half eaten lunch into your pot plants. The least you can do is speak to them. They are just doing their job. One day you will need them. Go and listen to them. Treat them with respect. Be polite. Accept their brochures and wait until they leave before throwing them in the bin.
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    Author

    This blog is the fictional story of a dentist.  The dentist  works with Jessica and Beryl in a town a lot like Hobart.   The blog tells the story of what these people get up to and the work that they do.  If you feel that you recognize yourself in one of the stories please remember it is fictional and the characters and stories are all fictional. Though  all the stories are based on my time as a dentist in Hobart and  are based on things which actually did happen.  
    ​Writing these stories I often had to think about what is true and what is fictional.

    Categories

    All
    A Day In The Life
    An Old Lady Goes To The Dentist
    A Small Sad Lonely Death Notice
    A Teenage Girl Anxious And Stressed
    Back In Control
    Black Sheep
    Cementing A Single Veneer
    Dear Alan


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  • Home
  • Photos
    • photos >
      • All Saints Church
      • Anglesea Barracks
      • Art Mob
      • Boer War
      • Botanical Gardens
      • Brooke Street Pier
      • Brunswick Hotel
      • Campbell Street
      • Castray Esplanade
      • Cenotaph
      • Constitution Dock
      • St David's Cathedral
    • photos >
      • St David's Park
      • Elizabeth St Mall
      • Elizabeth St Pier
      • Franklin Square
      • Hadley's Hotel
      • Hobart GPO
      • Hobart Congregational Church
      • Hobart Rivulet
      • Hobart Town Hall
      • Holy Trinity Church
      • Heading South Sculpture
      • Hutchins Old School
    • photos >
      • Kunanyi / Mt Wellington
      • MacQuarie Street Primary School
      • Maritime Museum
      • MacQuarie Wharf
      • Parliament House
      • Penitentary
      • Railway Roundabout
      • Regatta
      • RHH
      • Royal Visits 1868 1901 1920 1927 1934
      • Royal visit 1954
      • Salamanca Place
    • photos >
      • Sydney to Hobart Yacht Race
      • Theatre Royal
      • Victoria Dock
      • Saint David's Cathedral
      • Saint David's Park
      • St George Anglican Church
    • Street art: photos >
      • Bidencope Lane
      • Criterion Collins Liverpool Streets
      • Elizabeth Street North Hobart​
      • Kemp Despard Streets
    • Streets: photos >
      • Argyle Street
      • Barrack Street
      • Bathurst Street
      • Brisbane Street
      • Brooker Highway
      • Campbell Street
      • Collins Street
    • Streets: photos >
      • Davey Street
      • Elizabeth Street
      • Goulburn Street
      • Harrington Street
      • Hunter Street
      • Liverpool Street
      • Macquarie Street
      • Murray Street
  • Places
    • Places >
      • All Saint's Church
      • Anglesea Barracks
      • Atheneum Club
      • Baha’i Centre
      • Boer War Memorial
      • Brook Street Pier
      • Brunswick Hotel
      • Boats in the docks
      • Constitution Dock
      • The Drunken Admiral
      • Franklin Square
      • Gas Works
    • Places >
      • Hadley's Hotel
      • Heading South Sculpture
      • Hobart GPO
      • Hobart Synagogue
      • Hobart Town Hall
      • Holy Trinity Church
      • Hunter Street
      • Ingle Hall
      • Old Wool Factory
      • Ordnance Stores
      • Parliament House
      • Penitentiary
      • Princes Park
    • Places >
      • Princes Wharf 1
      • Scots Memorial Church
      • Saint David's Cathedral
      • Saint David's Park
      • Saint George Anglican Church
      • St Michaels Collegiate School
      • Supreme Court
  • History
    • History >
      • Tasmanian Timeline
      • Early Tasmania
      • Mid Nineteenth Century
      • Late Nineteenth Century
      • 20th Century
      • Tasmania’s aborigines
      • Convicts
    • People >
      • John Lee Archer
      • William Bedford
      • Andrew Bent
      • Louis Bernacchi
      • James Blackburn
      • William Bunster
      • William Buckley
      • Thomas Bromfield
      • Luke Castray
      • William Champion
      • David Collins
    • People >
      • John Colvin
      • Charles Darwin
      • Governor Eadley
      • TT Flynn
      • John Franklin
      • Lady Jane Franklin
      • Charles Gaylor
      • Haig: Elizabeth and Andrew
      • Henry Jones
    • People >
      • James Kelly
      • Robert Knopwood
      • Lachlan Macquarie
      • Douglas Mawson
      • Charles McLachlan.
      • George Mure
      • Pearce: Henry and John
      • Robert Pitcairn
      • Poulett-Harris
      • Reid: Arthur and Alison
      • James Clark Ross
      • Ikey Solomon
      • Phillip Smith
      • Abel Tasman
      • Mark Twain
      • AJ White
      • Andrew and Elizabeth Haig
  • Community
    • Hobart Marathon Festival
    • Hadley's Hotel
    • history is not set in bronze
    • Wooden Boat Festival 2019
    • What do you think of Hobart?
    • Sydney to Hobart Yacht Race
    • The Mountain
  • Walking Tours
    • Dave's Walking Tour
    • The Tench Walking Tour
    • Botanical Gardens Circuit
    • ​Alfred’s feeling religious walk
    • Battery Point Sculpture Trail
    • Lachlan gets to the point
    • Street art: Luffy paints the town
  • Blog
    • healing through living
    • This website
    • about another website
    • Acknowledgement
    • Contact
  • The Full Complement
    • Alan Carlton
    • Daniel Frank
    • Paul Barrington
    • Jodi Sutton
    • Jodi Sutton talks about mistakes
    • Jodi Sutton: The phone
    • Ann Heath
    • Maddie Atkins
    • Karen Wong
    • Jo-Anne Cherry
    • Jo-Anne Cherry: Retirement
    • Errol Kilov
    • Garry Owen
    • Katherine Janney
    • Jacques Cawood
    • John Chung
    • Gordon Henry
  • Songs
    • Forty Years Ago
    • Tomorrow
    • Clouds in the River
    • I Woke Up
    • Hold My Hand
    • Cornelian Bay Boathouses
    • Dance on the Deck
    • Eucalyptus Globulus